A few months ago my dad randomly asked me, "Kelc, when do you think I first became important in your life?" Not even thinking about my response I said, "Dad, you've always been important." But then he prompted me more and asked, "Kelci, when do you first remember realizing I was an important person in your life?"
.....Wow.
I wasn't sure so I didn't answer.
I have a horrible memory. The memories I do have are more like short films in my head, but they're random shorts and often times need to be trigged by a conversation to start rolling. When people ask me questions like that, like what my earliest memory is, I've never really been able to give a detailed answer on the spot. Others have it down to the time of day and can recall every single detail, mine aren't as clear.
I'm laying down and there's a fuzzy TV screen, I remember feeling uncomfortable. There are two people standing at the edge of my bed. Everything around me is white, no color. He has his arm around her and they are scanning the channels for something to watch, he stopped when it got to Teletubbies. I'm annoyed, I don't like this show and the TV is still fuzzy. I don't know how much time went by, but I remember my bed starting to move. That's when he walked away, my bed starts turning, moving faster. We are moving farther away from him; I am scared. I know if he is sad, I should feel sad, I don't know why. I close my eyes tightly and I suddenly remember him holding me in our front doorway, it's hot outside. I'm holding a small white bear with a purple and green clown costume on, it has a hat. I remember him saying it was such a silly hat. I open my eyes, I see the bear by my side, I feel his hat; I know it's going to be okay.
This is the moment where I realized my dad was an important person in my life. I was 3, maybe 4 and I was about to have surgery on my bladder. Naturally my dad was nervous and I was feeding off his energy. (The Teletubies were not helping matters any...)
While raking my memory of all the short films trying to dig back as far as I could I realized a few things.
One, sometimes in our lives before we can put words and reasons to why, we often have a feeling or intuition about someone or something's significance and we are already reacting to that feeling or intuition.
Two, this feeling or intuition sets into motion a relationship and it's foundation.
Three, in this moment, based upon your own thoughts and feelings, you create for yourself a role, a direction and a memory.
Four, sometimes we simply need to close our eyes tightly for a moment so that when we open them we are able to bring clarity to our worries and remind ourselves that it's going to be okay.
And perhaps the most important thing I took away from my reflection; five, sometimes it is best that we do not dwell on the importance of our significance in another's life, but focus on something else. That first moment when you realize you're a person, when you're suddenly old enough to comprehend your own existence. It may not be a complex thought, but you know you're there, you know you're important, your awareness has changed.
These memories will rarely be a grand AHA moment with confetti and a flashing sign. Often times it is in the absence of someone that we realize they are important. When suddenly our bed is being quickly rushed away from them and we think to ourselves, "Wait! Stop! I need him! He matters!" Do not wait for the lonely absence of your own heart to realize that you are loved and you are important. Close your eyes, quietly think, identify your moment, choose your role, begin building a foundation. It will be the foundation for your life, the foundation for your relationship with yourself. Hold onto this moment and recall it on days when you find yourself asking if or when you matter.
It is never too late to love yourself, to remember that YOU are perhaps the most significant and important person in your life simply because, you are you.
When do you first remember realizing that you too, were important?
Remember fondly, love yourself always,
Kelci
