To Strengthen

I have a cat.

The BEST cat ever. 

If you don't believe me, keep reading.

(Also, see my post "Isn't She The Cutest Thing..." from July.)

I have to leave my cat, among other things, in California.

She's gained weight since our photo montage.

She's still cute as hell.

Did I mention she's the BEST cat ever?

She is.

I've lost so much in the last year, I hate to think that now I am losing her.

But Maison is more than just a cat.

She has been the only thing certain about every day.

At 5:22 every morning, Maison is there. 

First, to remind me of her breakfast, pacing back and forth on top of my pillow and yes, my head. Then after a scoop and about 6 minutes Maison is back in bed under the covers with me, any closer and she would have to crawl under my skin. She purrs. I hate this part. It's only 5:28 and I'm ready to go back to sleep, however, it's no easy task with a small car motor only 5" from my head. But like it or not, she's there, every morning, motor and all. 

Every afternoon when I come home, she happily waits for me at the front door. 

It doesn't matter what time of day or what house, apartment or living room we're staying in. Maison is there, right at the front door when I walk in. As if she can anticipate my return. She always greets me with the same noise. It's not quite a meow, but more of a chirp. If I could include a sound bite in my blog I would, just know, it's adorable. 

Every night, around 8, Maison will come find me. 

It's time for dinner and there is no ignoring this cat. She will hunt me down.

She will purr and kneed and whine and lick my face until I drop whatever I am doing and get up. As soon as she sees me standing she makes a sprint for her bowl, practically tripping me every time. (I'm happy to report that there have only been two times where she's successfully managed to trip me; I swear if you could have seen her face you would agree that she was laughing.) After a few scoops and a full bowl she's content. She'll find a place to park until it's time for bed. 

Our bedtime routine is always the same. 

She gets one treat while I change into my pajamas. 

I used to give her two until I found a pile of them under my dresser. 

The next night I watched and sure enough she ate the first and went to hide the second. 

Turns out I have a damn smart cat. 

I only wish she could tell me her reasoning behind the reserve of cat treats.

Is she rationing them? 

Preparing for winter? 

Dealing to other cats in the neighborhood while I'm out of the house?

Then we crawl into bed. Maison always sleeps on the bottom right corner of my bed and half way through the night migrates up to the top left.

Maison follows me everywhere. 

If I'm in the bathroom, so is Maison. I can't even close the door when I shower. 

If I do Maison puts her front paws as far under the door as she possibly can and meows painfully until I let her in. She's fallen into the toilet at least 3 times and has probably eaten an ounce or two of toothpaste.

She has to be everywhere that I am all the time. 

She's a baby. 

She has a baby blanket. It's yellow. She drags it around the house with her to sleep on. 

Maison has two fruit loops. One blue and one yellow.

When she was a kitten I was pouring cereal one morning and I spilled some of my fruit loops on the floor. Maison dashed for a few and I thought she'd eaten them. The next day I noticed two fruit loops sitting outside her litter box. I thought I had just missed them and went to pick them up, but before I could Maci finished in her litter box jumped out and put the fruit loops in her mouth. I proceeded to watch my cat carry around these fruit loops like babies. She lays on them, plays with them and hides them. I've had to replace the original fruit loops due to the wear and tear of being carried in a cat's mouth all day, but she loves them. 

She'd make a great cat mom. 

(We just won't tell her she's fixed or that those fruit loops are fruit loops.)

I even did the unthinkable and bought Maci a cat sweater. She looks great in it. 

(We do not wear our cat sweater in public; mostly in the house, just for naps.)

If I was a cat, I would be Maison.

She is the world's BEST cat. 

She's more than just a cat. 

She's what made these last 6 months on my own bearable.

I worry about what Maison will do without me. What kind of cat she'll be.

More than that, I worry about what I will do without Maison. 

Without my 5:22 wake up call and my welcome home.

What will I do without my constant kitty companion?

I named her Maison, because she is grey like stone. 

(I added the 'i' to make it a little more girlie.)

When used as a noun a 'mason' is someone who works with stone. 

What a lot of people don't know is that when used as a verb, 

the word 'mason' means to strengthen.

She's more than just a cat.

And Maison is much more than just a name.

7 more days with my kitty,

Kelci

Analyzing Witchcraft, Hiding Places and Hard Feelings

I have been known to have my fair share of really crazy dreams. 
(Maybe it's the tequila I drink every night before bed...) 


Last night my dream was too vivid to ignore. 
I woke up in a panic; sweating, with my heart pounding and tears in my eyes. 
Truly it was more of a nightmare then a dream.


This is what happened; 


I was in a forest, not one that I recognized or have been to before. 
I had an overwhelming feeling that I was being watched and I felt fear. 
I was watching myself as if I was in a movie. 
I began to run through this forest, trying to escape blackness, this heavy disgusting feeling that felt like it was choking me. It weighed heavy on my heart. I felt like I was in danger. There were evil witches and they wanted something from me. (Since I was a little girl I've always had horrible nightmares about witches [and the Pillsbury Dough Boy, but that's a story for another time.].) These aren't your green faced Wizard Of Oz witches, these are your modern day terrifying 'I look like I blend in, but really I'm going to steal your soul' kind of witches. 
People I knew were falling to the ground in terror and I watched as my close friend Rusty was killed right in front of me. I was hiding. Pretending to be a Nook. (I know, HAH, right?! In the middle of this terrifying nightmare only my mind would tell myself, "QUICK KELCI! Pretend to be an electronic book!") Needless to say, at the time it felt logical and my disguise worked, because the witches moved on; I kept running. 
Suddenly I was in my bedroom. My bedroom was in the forest outside and there was a raging river running through my room. I felt quiet, but only for a moment. There was a dark masked figure standing in my doorway and I felt threatened and scared. Then I snapped, I was angry; enough was enough. I chased after the figure, down a long flight of stairs and suddenly I was in my grandma and grandpa Eppel's old kitchen (the orange one, before the remodel, for those of you who know [for whatever reason this is a common place for the random happenings in my dreams.]) I turned on the lights in the kitchen and started screaming at the figure and told him to stop scaring me. As I yelled, he took off his mask, he hushed me and told me to be quiet, if I said anything more, he told me, they would come. 


I woke up.


Now. Silly as it may sound at points. This dream was horrible.
It left me feeling distraught and awake for the next 3 hours.


I decided this being such an intense dream that I would look up the significance behind the major pieces, the pieces I could remember. 
The dream evoked feelings, however; that I couldn't find words to describe. 


Here is what I found;

"To dream that you are running through the forest, signifies a transitional phase. Follow your instincts. It indicates that you want to escape to a simpler way of life. You are feeling weighed down by the demands of your life."

"To dream about witchcraft, signifies some inner transformation or changes."

"To dream that you are being watched, suggests that you are feeling confined. You feel you are being scrutinized or criticized"

"To dream that you feel fear, indicates that your achievements have not been as successful as you had anticipated. You are experiencing anxieties in various aspects of your life. This indicates that you are experiencing feelings of self-doubt, incompetence, and lack of control in your waking life."

"To see a raging river in your dream, signifies that your life is feeling out of control. You are feeling emotionally unsettled."

"To see someone wearing a mask in your dream, denotes that you are struggling against deceit. If someone removes their mask, then it symbolizes failure in gaining the admiration and/or respect of someone sought for."

"To dream that you are in danger, suggests that negativity is causing you to be depressed about the future."

"To dream that you are hiding, indicates that you are looking for a sense of security and protection."

"To dream that you are holding or expressing anger, symbolizes frustrations and disappointments in yourself."

"To dream that you are going down a flight of stairs, represents your repressed thoughts. It refers to the setbacks that you are experiencing in your life."

"To see light in your dream, represents illumination, clarity, guidance, plain understanding, and insight. Light is being shed on a once cloudy situation or problem. You have found the truth to a situation or an answer to a problem."

"Black symbolizes the unknown, the unconscious, danger, mystery, darkness, or hate. The color invites you to delve deeper in your unconscious in order to gain a better understanding of yourself. It also signifies a lack of love and lack of support. But more positively, black also represents potential and possibilities. It is like a clean or blank slate."

And perhaps my favorite,

"To see a kitchen in your dream, signifies your need for warmth, spiritual nourishment and healing."

Now, some would argue that dreams don't really offer any insight or relevance into our waking lives. Say what you will, but I would argue that this interpretation, 

is dead on.

Some of you understand why this is such a 'WOW holy crap!' dream. 

For those of you who don't, I wish I had enough energy to rehash it all for you.

This is, after all, a LOT of emotion to cram into just one REM cycle.

So in efforts to make sure that this doesn't become a reoccurring dream, maybe it's best that I address something; even if it is simply for myself.

Regardless of what some may believe about my intentions and motivations for returning to Colorado, the decision has been FAR from easy for me. 

BUT I know to the very core of my being, sub-conscious and all, 

That home is exactly where I need to be right now. 

Even if it's just to spend some time in my grandparents kitchen.

I'm kidding about the tequila,

Kelci

Cuervo

For those of you who don't know,


I LOOOOOVE TEQUILA!


Reasons why I love Tequila,
Watch and learn my friends.







My Countdown to Vegas and the day I can actually drink Tequila: 256 days



My heart belongs to a man named Jose,
Kelci

Mike

Mike is a man I've never met, and until a few hours ago I had never heard of him.

My dad sent me an email sharing his blog.
I hope Mike doesn't mind me sharing his story on mine.

Mike has terminal brain cancer.
I don't know how long ago he was diagnosed; truthfully, I don't know much about him at all.

I do know that scrolling through his last 4 posts, tears streaming from my eyes, that the perspective I've had for the last week of my life changed drastically.

Mike's mantra is, "Never Give Up."
Coming from someone with a terminal disease, it sounds different.
It would be easy for him to give up; everyone would understand if he did, if he wanted too, and yet throughout his posts he remains optimistic and lighthearted. Something that is often difficult when struggling with anything, much less when what you're fighting for is your life.

In the last year of my 20 year old life, my most recent struggles have included, but are not limited to:

Having my identity stolen.
Giving up school for a semester.
That stupid silly thing they call love and trying to find it.
Losing my job, a job that I loved.
Learning to trust people and what that really means.
Moving. SEVEN times.
The ever-changing color and length of my hair.
My geographical location and what it means to my relationships.
My sometimes not so great health.

And well the list goes on, and while these are all huge and scary things in my life, they sure are small potatoes compared to that of the things and emotions Mike is dealing with in his life.

If Mike, a man with a beautiful wife, three kids and a terminal disease, is LIVING with all of that change, emotion and uncertainty; with a smile on his face and an attitude to inspire and fight; I sure as hell can live with my problems too.

I HATE not having a plan.
I HATE not knowing what will come next.
I HATE that I came to California and in just two weeks I'll be leaving without doing what I came here to do.
I HATE that I feel like I have failed.

But I am so humbled and truly blessed for MY life, and this absolutely wonderful opportunity to LIVE it.


When I graduated my Aunt shared this story with me,

There's an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. 
Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. "Such bad luck," they said sympathetically.
"Maybe," the farmer replied.
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.
"How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed!
"Maybe," answered the farmer.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the wild horses, was thrown, and broke his leg.
Again, the neighbors came and offered sympathy on his misfortune.
"Maybe," answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. 
Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. 
The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.
"Maybe," said the farmer.


The truth is we never know what's next, even when we have a plan.
We never know if Mike's story may just become our story.
In some way we all have those moments.
Those moments that feel big enough to swallow us whole; that turn our insides in knots and our legs to jelly.
Those moments where we are reminded that we are only human and that tomorrow isn't a promise.
A scary diagnosis, the loss of your job, an exciting announcement, a big move;
these are all pieces that play into our constantly changing lives.


But Mike's right; never give up, 
because life will always leave you with maybe.


(Thanks Mike)

Kelci.



Jeremiah 29:11-13 
"For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future, to give you hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart."