Zandagi Migzara

Serendipity: noun; while in the pursuit of something, you discover something else and realize what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you were searching for.

Life is nothing short of a challenge, a series of obstacles set before us that we are destined to overcome. A constant chaos, humming around us, pulsing through us; living within us. Sometimes you'll find the challenge is too much and it's all you can do to just wake up in the morning and remember to breathe. Your chest feels constricted and you can't bare the weight a minute longer, but still your heart beats and life drums on. Then there are other times, rare moments, where we experience quiet. The chaos settles in, the humming stops and there you are just breathing.

It's the moments in between when we're too wrapped up in the noise and too far from the silence that we often go on, existing, not even thinking from breath to breath. Then something pulls us drastically in one direction or another and we are reminded unexpectedly of our humanness. Our body suddenly screams to us that this existence is temporary, that our soul is residing in a vessel for now and however permanent now may feel, you have nothing more than the last breath you took in and the ones before that.

I've come to understand, perhaps more than I understand anything else in my life, that nothing is permanent. So that longing I feel in my chest, the uncomfortable restlessness, the tears I cry, the frustration that overwhelms me, the laughter that comes storming from somewhere inside, that's all part of a gift. A gift I've been given by something so much greater than myself. The restlessness, however uncomfortable it may be, is perhaps the greatest gift of all. It is simply my soul gently reminding me to wake up, to do more than breathe. "Start living," it cries from the depths where all my dreams are hidden and locked away, waiting patiently to surface. 

Part of the adventure of life is the unknown, the scary, the unexpected and the only promise is that one day all of it will end. So rather than resent the restlessness, rather than get caught up in what I should be doing and all the worldly chaos that surrounds me; I am going to accept the challenge of LIVING. I'm going to be still, but only for brief moments and then I am going to move. I am going to write. I am going to be more tolerant, more peaceful and more open. I am going to break away from the commotion and appreciate the serendipity and Divine timing of it all, the funny, the tragic, the bland. I am going to be bold. And though I am fearful, I am going to continue to share. My story may not be happening in the order which I expect it too and I may never find the things or answers I'm searching for, but in the pursuit of life, I trust that everything is happening for a greater reason that has yet to unfold before me.

So whether I wake up tomorrow or this is my very last breath, I am grateful. I am LIVING.  And as the pages of life continue to turn, remember that you don't always get a lot of time, but if you spend your time the right way, you still get a lot of life.

Find your adventure, escape from the loud hum that's become your life and fill your heart with a sense of wonder as you begin to tell the world your story.

This is what I've found, life is passing,

Kelci

Day Eighteen - Believing

18. Your beliefs.

I believe in fate.
I believe that God is Love. He was, is and always will be.
I believe in romance.
I believe in family dinners every night.
I believe everyone has a soul-mate.
I believe in coloring, no matter how old you are.
I believe in laughing and laughing loud.
I believe in tradition.
I believe in sweat pants, messy hair and over-sized t-shirts.
I believe in letting yourself get lost in a good book.
I believe in change.
I believe everything is as it should be.
I believe in inner beauty.
I believe there is good in absolutely everyone.
I believe in being silly.
I believe in eating and NEVER counting calories.
I believe in following your heart.
I believe in Christmas magic.
I believe in luck. Good luck, bad luck, dumb luck, all of it.
I believe that family comes first.
I believe in writing.
I believe in taking long walks.
I believe in dancing like a maniac.
I believe in deep intelligent conversation and heart to heart's.
I believe in loving with everything you are.
I believe if something's worth doing, it's worth doing right.
I believe that hard work pays off.
I believe in giving.
I believe that anyone can serve as inspiration to someone else.
I believe that a cat can change your life.
I believe in taking responsibility for your own life.
I believe in sleeping in.
I believe that a little mascara and some high heels can make any woman feel beautiful.
I believe in empowering others.
I believe in angels.
I believe in being organized.
I believe that more often than not people underestimate how strong they are.
I believe that every day is a choice. You always have a choice.
I believe that everything is better when it's PINK.
I believe in adventure.
I believe in singing your heart out when and where you feel like it.
I believe that some rules are meant to be broken. Eat raw cookie dough and stay up late.
I believe that you get out of something as much as you put into it.
I believe what is said about having to love yourself before you can love others.
I believe that people come into your life for a reason. To teach you something, to give you something or to love you.
I believe that confidence is important, but character is what's really attractive.
I believe in going for long drives.
I believe in being courageous even when you're shaking in your boots.
I believe in being honest even when it's hard.
I believe in heaven.
I believe that life happens to everyone and it's hard to say if what's happening is horrible or if it will someday be the greatest blessing you've ever encountered.
I believe in making wishes. At 11:11, on birthday candles, eye lashes, and falling stars.
I believe in passion.
I believe in the power of words.
I believe in doing something simply because you want to do it.
I believe that you're more attractive if you smell good.
I believe in surprises.
I believe there's a certain magic that comes with Wednesday.
I believe people are as important as you make them. Period.
I believe in second chances.
I believe in best friends.
I believe that bacon is best served with syrup.
I believe in affection. If you love someone don't be afraid to show it.
I believe that educating the world would solve most of it's problems.
I believe in movie days.
I believe that the grass is always greener on the other side. So water your own grass and while you're at it plant some flowers.
I believe in protecting the things most precious to you.
I believe in karma.
I believe that children know much more than people give them credit for.
I believe in taking risks, taking chances and taking long showers.
I believe in fighting for what you believe in.
I believe in eating one bowl of ice cream every day.
I believe in the power of prayer.
I believe in heroes.
I believe that every day should be treated as an occasion.
I believe in loyalty.
I believe everyone has a purpose and a reason for living.

I believe that every story is worth telling.

I believe in myself.
I believe in my dreams.
I believe in my future.
I believe in living the life you've always imagined.

<3 Kelci

Day Fourteen -- Knowing

14. Your earliest memory.

Well as promised, I'm back and though it's only been a few days away from the computer, I feel like I owe you something grand to make up for lost time. I fear however, this is far from grand and is actually rather simple.

I was younger than two, don't ask me how much younger because I don't know. I don't remember the date or the month, I just know I was younger than two, because Derek, my little brother (who was born a week before I turned two) was not yet alive. This places us somewhere between October of 1990 and September of 1992.

The memory is more of a snapshot if you will, a little moment of my life frozen in my mind as a panoramic photograph. Nothing happens, there is no dialog, no one else is in it, it's just me own my own, observing. The moment is just there. Which is why this makes it so difficult to put words too. I wish I had a projector so I could just find the reel labeled "earliest memory" and push play for all of you to watch.

I am in a room sitting up all by myself.  I'm looking out from my crib and I can see my older brother's big kid bed, it's red metal. I can see the window and the blinds are closed, soft yellow light fills the room. I can see toys scattered around and I know there is other furniture in the room, but I couldn't describe it to you in detail. I look down, I'm sitting with my baby blanket, I see the colors, red, blue, yellow. 

I told you, nothing grand, I have no idea what happens next. When I shared this memory with my mom, she was almost shocked. Apparently it was at our very first house and I believe that my Aunt Wendy still lived with us.

It's amazes me that I was once that little and it's almost impossible to imagine. I was there, I was present for all of those moments, but still they aren't there in my memory and those that are, are faint. I often contemplate when we go from just existing to KNOWING we exist. I've talked about a moment similar to this before in my blog, the moment we first realize we mattered. Both moments for me, are difficult to find the words for and even though I have, they aren't things I can readily reflect on at a moments notice.  It takes awhile for the memory to surface, to rise up into my consciousness and sit with me.

Even though I may not actively remember every moment, I believe that each breath and step that little girl took was a tiny stitch in the seams that hold me together and make me who I am. I know had it not been for those moments, remembered or not, my heart wouldn't be the same. Maybe we don't remember them, because we don't have too. The moment itself is like glue while it's wet, but once it dries you can't see it, or remember it, but it's still glue and it's there holding you together. My first memory is just one of the many windows in the sunflower castle that is my soul. A simple, small, beautiful window that only lets in the softest yellow light.


Kelci

Day Thirteen - Humanness

13. Somewhere you'd like to move or visit.

Other than an illegal night spent camping in Canada I've never been outside of the continental U.S. so the list of places I'd like to visit is more than a mile long.
There is something about adventure that I've always loved. The thrill of going somewhere brand new and seeing an entirely different way of life is something that captivates me. It's easy to forget how small we are and that there is so much to be seen.
The thought of the ENTIRE world is overwhelming.
Just sit with it for a minute and think about it. The ENTIRE world.
There's something in my heart that craves the rush that comes with change, but it's more than change; it's the constant flow and beauty of life. It's that I can travel millions of miles across the world and find someone who is nothing like me and knows nothing of me and still we share a humanness. I love the there's a world out there left to be seen, to be contemplated and to be discovered. I love that there are so many unique places, things and cultures. Thoughts, ideas and dreams I've never even imagined or fathomed. The ENTIRE world and it's there, waiting for me.


Here are my Top Five.


1. Greece. For the magic.

2. Rome, Italy. For the romance.

3. Fiji. For the water.

4.  Peru. For the culture.

5. Jerusalem. For my soul.

All of it, for an adventure,

K&M

Eight Months

Allow me to tell you about the good, in goodbye.

The word itself is an interjection or noun and means farewell, an expression used when parting. It was first used in the 1500's as a contraction for God be with ye.

Sometimes goodbye seems temporary, a simple word exchanged with coworkers after a day at work or a expression we use to end an everyday phone call. It's almost as if the word carries no weight. Just a see you later and we're off. But then in those rare moments, the word goodbye suddenly comes to life. It feels heavy as it falls off your tongue and you're left with an aching feeling somewhere deep inside your chest.

So how is it that one word, can go from such a casual everyday exchange, to a feeling and concept difficult to understand, much less process?

I once knew a man. A man whose entire life was a story too great to be hindered by anything worldly. He was the definition of courage, though he didn't always have his head on straight. Like all of us, he too wandered and searched. He lost a lot throughout his life, some things because of chance, others thanks to his own pride. But years wore him down and he became a humble man. A man of change and of dignity, even still he was stubborn. He loved his family, his grandchildren, they gave him the opportunity to do things the right way. He was a giver and though it was hidden under years of age, the scent of Old Spice and a crooked smile, he had a big heart. Constantly teaching us something, always a lesson at hand, he had a plan for everything. Strong, steady, consistent. He had a voice that carried no matter how far you were and sent chills down your spine when close by. He didn't always lead by example when he should have, but when he got around to living the right way, he made up for lost time.

This man left a legacy, a path if you will. He walks in front of us everyday, revealing the path little by little, coming to each of us when we need him most. Lessons from years spent together washed with clarity and each with perfect timing. He left his family, his wife, his children, and us, but only to make sure it was safe up ahead. You see that's the kind of man he was, he gave a piece of himself to each of us, a little something to remember, to guide us, but his heart? His heart forever belongs to his other half, the woman he shared his greatest adventure with.

"So where is the good?" asked the widow in a lonely prayer.
"Where is the good?" asked the grandson at his high school graduation.
"Where is the good?" asked his friends in meetings.
"Where is the good?" she begged in a dream.

And he answered, "Let God be with ye, I cannot be, for I am now a spirit. Let me assure you, the good is in grace, it is in forgiveness. It is in the butterflies that come before you, in the leaves that rise and fall; it is the light that begins to shine and the elk that stands up tall. It is the voice you hear within you, telling you to go on. It is the pieces of me I gave you, that remind you to be strong. I know the good is sometimes hard to understand, but I can see it clearly; with a loyal dog by my side and a view overlooking all that I love so dearly."

For in his absence, may we celebrate and remember the life he would have wanted us to live. May we love and teach and give. You were a great man Granpa and I intend to tell the world of your stories and the lessons that have become a part of mine.


I know that you are with me.



Thank you for the good,
Kelcer

Day Ten - I'll Be (For Bear)

10. Discuss your first love and first kiss.

I had my first kiss in the 7th grade, right before volleyball practice. With palms sweating and my entire team watching, I was more than a little nervous. I was dating Jimmy Schweitzer, he was so cute and tall, really tall. I don't know that I would have had my first kiss that day, but the crowd demanded it. So I looked up, he bent down, and then just like that... it was over. I kissed him and went running off to the gym for practice. Yeah, I literally ran away. I was so excited I remember telling my coach. I remember being in such a great mood, thinking, "Oh my God, this must be love." Jimmy and I dated on and off throughout middle school. "Date", such a ridiculous thing for 12 year old's to do, but I say date meaning we sat by each other at lunch, held hands outside, attended school dances together, and spent our evenings chatting away on AIM.

Was it love with Jimmy Schweitzer? No. Just the excitement and thrill of my first kiss.

There is much more to be said about my first love.

It began like all relationships do, quite simply. He asked me to be his date for homecoming freshman year and I had said yes. A truly great night, one I look back on fondly. That was the night I became his girlfriend. After that, the rest was history, for the next four years we never left each other's side.

Everyone knew him, knew his name, said hi to him in the hallways, admired him.
But in my life he was so much more than someone who always had a smile on his face, he was the reason for the smile on mine. We used to laugh for hours, about everything; Borris the hippo whose real name was Bernice, listening intently to March of the Penguins instead of watching, you name it, we probably laughed about it. Whatever we were doing, we were always having fun. For four years, he was my life. Everywhere I was, he was. He was so charming. Never once forgot a special occasion and always opened my doors. I loved him to the very core of who he was.

Life doesn't always go the way you plan. It has a funny way of surprising you and reminding you you're human. We grew up together, literally, together. We came to define each other, it was always me and him or him and I, never just one or the other. This wasn't always easy and in the years we spent finding each other, we lost ourselves. Imagine loving someone so much that you don't know where you end and they begin. This is what it felt like. A feeling that overwhelmed our friends, our families, and even us.

The things I have been through with this boy have defined and shaped my heart forever. There are moments I love to remember and moments I hate. Moments I can't put to words too that only him and I will share. October 1st, 2005. December 26th, 2007. March 15th, 2008. December 6th, 2008.

Four years together and then in a breathe, just like that, it was over.
The reasons, the hurt, the story, we could both go on forever, but truly, none of it holds a candle to what was. We were unstoppable, on top of the world and I will never forget all that he taught me about life, the world and love.

They say time heals all wounds. Time, tequila and new friends healed ours. We were lucky enough to start a new beginning only 45 minutes away from each other in California. We were always there for when the other needed a little piece of home, because more than anything, that's what we are to each other. Whether it was a tandem bicycle ride and Bailey's with milk, eating an entire Little C's pizza in the car on the way to Half Moon Bay or just a phone call, we have each other and that's what love is. Allowing someone to be all of who they are, with or without you, and being there for them just the same.

I didn't mention his name and I don't need too, because in my life he's so much more than that. He's more than the Homecoming King. More than the guy in the hallway who says hi to everyone. His heart is bigger than most and he gives way too much, but he's even more than that. People love him, because of what they think they know. I love him, because of what I know for sure.

You know it was love when you walk away a better person.
You may not be mine, but you'll be my friend, my hero and my Bear forever.



Here's to finding love again,
Kelci

Day Nine - Intentions

09. How you hope your future will be.

There's a lot that I could write about my hopes for the future.
It's a long list, the things I want.
A life with my soul mate. Adventure. A college degree. Laughter. A big family.
I've talked about me and my future a lot.
I've talked about my dreams and the desires of my heart.
I've talked about the design for my life, the book I want to write.
I've said I don't know where I'm going or who I will become.
You all know all of this. Well, all of you who are actually readers. You skimmers and grazers out there might have missed a thing or two. But the point is I know who I intend to be. As long as I don't lose sight of that, I think there's much reason to hope for my future.

The trick is I have more than hope in what I want my future to be, I have faith.


Faith in perfect timing.
Faith in myself.
Faith in my decisions.
Faith in the hard lessons.
Faith in my good heart.
Faith in God.
Faith that tells me everyday that I wake up breathing, I am one day closer to all that I hope for.



It's not a matter of someday, it's only a matter of when,
Kelci

Day Eight - Just Me

08. A day you felt most satisfied with your life.

I was sitting on the plane in seat 1C and holding back tears.
I looked to my right and my dad was there, looking out the window.
I had cried so hard in the days prior, I felt like I had a hangover.

There were so many thoughts running through my head, it hurt.
.... CALI HERE WE COME!! What on earth am I thinking? Seriously, I must be an idiot. I have everything a girl could want and I'm just going to move 2,000 miles away? Thank God high school is over! Why is dad so calm? What if I don't like California? Shouldn't he be crying? I don't know how to do laundry! Did I pack everything? Here come the tears again, breathe, breathe. Phew. College is going to be just like that movie Legally Blonde,VACAY!!! I can't believe we had that much trouble with my flight, what if that's a sign? Dad, really, nothing? Oh God, I hope college isn't anything like that movie Van Wilder. Seriously, it had to be sign. Still, nothing? This guy is a pro. Oh I love these pretzel snacks! Can't they fly faster?! It'll hit ya old man. You'll miss me. These portions really should be bigger, I didn't ask for a bag of air! I'm going to miss him more. Okay, I can't fight these tears. WAIT! I'm not ready! Turn around! Take me back! What am I doing? Dad, help!....


It was August 1st, 2009. I was moving away from home. I was leaving everything. My entire life. 18 years of memories. My family. Dinner at the kitchen table every night. My brothers. My friends. All in hopes of finding a new life, a new everything. I didn't know it then or even a week or month later, but that was the greatest thing I could have ever done for myself and my life. I'm happy to report that college was nothing like Legally Blonde or Van Wilder, though some might argue that friends I met along the way would fit in perfectly with the cast of either movie. California was nothing short of my greatest adventure. It was everything I needed it to be and nothing I expected.

I am so proud to say that I took a risk, that I did something really hard and altogether terrifying. I am also proud to say that in doing so I learned more about myself then I had in all 18 years I spent at home. It was a lot of fun. I got to redefine and recreate Kelci Eppel, I suddenly wasn't someone's sister or girlfriend, I was just me. (First semester I was also referenced as the birthday girl, thanks to my awesome 19th birthday party that was the biggest on campus that year!) I also got to be a student, a cheerleader, a co-captain, a best friend, a wild child, an assistant manager, a 2 am brownie maker, a giver, a roommate, an artist, a cat mom, a new believer, and a survivor. I got to be a part of a man's last journey. I learned that I had a voice and one hell of a story. And all of this thanks to the girl who had enough courage to get on a plane on August 1st, 2009 and take a giant leap of faith; only to find everything she'd been searching for.

Herself. 

There is no greater satisfaction then looking in the mirror and loving everything about the person you see.



The secret to having everything is knowing that you already do,
K&M

Day Six - Kelci Facts

06. Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

1. The only ice cream I ever buy at Baskin Robbins is pink bubble gum.
2. After crying really hard, there's nothing better than a long hug and an ice cold cup of milk.
3. Speaking of ice, I hate when it's in any beverage other than water. In water, it's a must.
4. I love affection. I love when people aren't afraid to hold hands and kiss in public.
5. I love snail mail. Really, really, really. There's something about handwriting that is so artistic and beautiful.
6. Sometimes I'm a flake.
7. When I'm annoyed or angry with people I often imagine them getting hurt like a cartoon character in my mind so I don't say anything aloud. Nothing serious, just an anvil or two. Maybe a grand piano.
8. I love feeling safe enough with someone to just be silly.
9. After living on my own, loud noise really bothers me.
10. I believe in romance. I'm a hopeless romantic. A cheesy write me love songs romantic.
11. I refuse to watch scary movies. They completely overwhelm me.
12. I'm glad I never had a sister, even though I often spent years wishing for one.
13. I hope someday I marry a man that will let me have as much pink in my house as I want.
14. I love singing my heart out while driving in the car or taking a shower.
15. The thought of forever doesn't sit well with me.
16. I want a college education more than anything, but sometimes I feel like it won't be worth it.
17. I hate politics. I didn't vote in the last election. I promise to vote in the next.
18. I have peculiar luck.
19. My memory is really poor.
20. The moment I start to read something, I instantly begin editing it in my head.
21. If I could, I would live in water.
22. Sometimes I randomly com bust with laughter. Loud, uncontrollable laughter, that hurts my stomach and brings tears to my eyes. More often than not when this happens, I'm laughing at myself for absolutely no reason at all. I think it's my souls way of reminding me that I'm alive.
23. I love that growing up we had dinner around our kitchen table as a family every night.
24. I believe Christmas is more than a season, it's a feeling.
25. I've never been anywhere tropical. Or even outside of the country.
26. I am constantly surprised and often amazed by my own resilience.
27. I have a secret that I have kept completely to myself for the last 8 years. Just out of principal that everyone is entitled to at least one.
28. I love being held. I love the comfort of having a warm body next to mine.
29. I Carry Your Heart by E.E. Cummings is my favorite poem.
30. I will let my children color on the walls and plan to color right along with them.


Content that these are pieces of who I am,
Kelci

Day Five - Sunflowers

05. A time you thought about ending your own life.


I've sat wondering how to go about writing this for quite some time now.
I keep staring at the cursor taunting me, typing a word or two and then erasing them.

I keep thinking of those I know who have taken their own life or have tried, some on multiple occasions.
My heart aches for them in those final moments, the suffocating loneliness, the terror, the end.
I want to scream at them, to shake them, to tell them they matter, that life is worth LIVING.

Then I put myself there, with them, in their shoes.
Hands shaking.
Irrational thoughts racing.
Hope lost.
Heart beating, but only for a moment more.
And then in a rush; darkness, forever.

There have certainly been moments in my 21 years where I have felt like life cannot possibly get any worse. Moments of inadequacy, of defeat, of loss and of hopelessness. Have I ever held a gun to my own head? No. Have I thought about it in my lowest nasty moments? A gun? No, guns scare me. Wishing for the end? Yes. And truthfully, I think if being brutally honest with ourselves, most of us have. Is it hard to admit this? Yes. It's even harder to type it and put it out there for all of you to read.

Life sucks sometimes and emotions are overwhelming.
Who doesn't hate that raw feeling of hurt? That moment when your heart is already breaking, you are already losing and life looks at you, laughs and kicks dirt in your face.

After a horrendous ending to my freshman year of college, I found myself living on my own in a pathetic excuse of a studio apartment. It was in the ghetto, in the backyard of someone else's house. I had enough room for a bed, a desk and a small two drawer dresser. My closet was in my kitchen; my fridge, always empty. I lived with a cat, who loved me more than quite possibly any boy ever has. Just so you know if hell is on earth, it has mint green walls and a cold concrete floor. I was working myself into the ground just to keep my head above water. I lived in khakis, pastels and an ugly brown work apron. I drove a 73' Mercedes, with a blue leather interior that smelled like crayons, had gold rims, chipping paint and an unreliable transmission. I was alone. Every single day was the same. Every single day, I was alone. With the exception of the occasional visit from my dad or a night at my aunts, I never had company. I was physically sick and instead of taking care of myself, I ignored it, pretending that it might go away if I didn't give it the time. I laid in bed at night crying, screaming, praying. Waiting for something, waiting for anything, but most days the sun came up and went down again and nothing changed. I was a robot, going through the motions of life, but not living. It's the lowest and closest to death I've ever been, I was defeated and far from myself. I went on suffering this way for months and then my life really hit a wall or fell off a cliff, I'm still not really sure which.

I lost my job, my kidneys were failing, I heard the word "hysterectomy" come out of the doctor's mouth for the first time, I was so far from being in school that I never thought I'd go back, I had to move home, I had to leave my best friend, I had to leave my cat, my granpa was dying, I couldn't sleep, I got pneumonia, I was taking 7 pills a day, my granpa died, my dog died; I was being forced to say goodbye to a thousand things I wasn't ready to say goodbye too. And all I could think in my head was, Why me?! What the fuck did I do to deserve this?!

Nothing.

I did nothing. Life happens to everyone, it's not about who deserves it. It just happens. It just is.
Sometimes it's hard. There are moments, days and weeks that feel like they'll never end. I lost so much. I was so raw with emotion and anger I never thought I'd be the same. Then one bitter night a quiet thought slipped into my mind, you have a choice. "Fuck off," I thought as I laid there in bed with my grief wrapped around me like a blanket, not willing to believe that any choice could make my life any better.

In reality life carries on even when you are bitter, even when you don't think it's possible to live another moment, life keeps moving with or without you. But me? I sat in my misery, I threw the world's biggest pity party, dug my feet into the ground and blatantly refused to do anything. No one and nothing could fix my life. No one could bring back my dead granpa, no one could comfort the gaping hole in my heart, no one could tell me it was going to be okay. What the hell did they know anyway? They hadn't lived my pathetic life, they hadn't been hurt like me, they weren't 20 years old with cancer that was going to take away the possibility of children!! They didn't know anything and they certainly couldn't make it right. No one could.

Except for me.

I don't know when it happened. Maybe it was when my results finally came back to reveal I was cancer free. Maybe it was when I watched a hundred people gather to celebrate the man my granpa was and I realized what an honor it was to be his grand-daughter. Maybe it was sitting on my grandparents couch listening to my brothers belt old Johnny Cash songs and laughing for the first time in what felt like years. Maybe it was having a dream that offered me comfort. Maybe it was holding his guitar close to my chest. Or maybe it was none of these things. Maybe it was me, standing up on my own and making the decision to move on, to make my life better. Whatever the moment was, I finally had it. Somewhere lost in a world of pain and grief I remembered the girl I used to be and I dug through everything to bring her back to me. To pull her close and comfort her in a way no one else could. To tell her the story of a girl who once believed with all of her heart that she could live in a castle made of sunflowers and opalescent windows. I wrapped my arms around her and promised to never let go again. And as I finally let myself cry, for her and for everything that had been, the sun came out and my heart, my soul and my world were once again filled with the hope of the little girl I had lost somewhere along this long, hard, ugly road they call life.

One of the last conversations my granma and granpa had before he died went like this,

"I didn't know dying would be so hard," he said.


And she replied, "Walt, living is hard."

---
You see, both are hard. There are moments when both seem impossible, unbearable, and painful. Both are messy, sometimes unmanageable and definitely unexpected. But my granpa would tell you, as he told me in a letter he wrote to me my senior year, "Kelcer, you have to take time to stop and enjoy your life, don't waste it, cause' you're gonna be old like me before you know it. Just remember to smell the roses and breathe."


I trust my granpa, perhaps more than I trust myself, so if nothing else I'll do the least of what he told me and remember to breathe. At any given moment, you have the power to say, this is NOT how the story is going to end.


Even when you have nothing, you have a choice,
K&M

Day Four -- Harvest

04. Your views on religion.

Organized religion has a bad rap and I agree that there's a valid reason for that. It's often misunderstood because of all the looney's out there who preach the end of the world and picket solider's funerals in "the name of God". Let me assure you as best I can, this is NOT of God. The Bible is a book of God's word and it preaches one fundamental thing, LOVE. Yes, among other things of course; but EIGHT different times in the Bible, in EIGHT different books, God tells us that the greatest of all commandments is love. These people who go around preaching otherwise don't have it right. They've turned their God into a politician and put Him on one side of the fence or the other. This is not the way it was intended, this is not the lesson of the Gospels, this is not God.

It's unfortunate that people get so caught up in the drama and politics of the church and what they think God is that they completely miss out on who He really is. In truth, God is none of those things and He would stand for none of those things. Religion shouldn't be organized around preaching a message that intimidates and condemns people and like most things in this modern day world it has come to be corrupt. I would go as far as saying that religions who preach anything other than love, are of the enemy. Many understand this crucial point, but there are millions more that are still in the dark. That thought alone breaks my heart, that there are people in the world who truly believe that they aren't "good enough" for God's love and believe God is absent from their life. To those of you that are thinking, hey Kelci, that's me, I've really made a mess of my life and it's too big to be undone. Let me tell you something, listen carefully, read it as many times as you need to for it to sink in; God loves you, not because of who you are or what you've done, but because of who He is! I don't care who you are, I don't care how long your list of sins is, it does NOT and will NOT change God's love for you, ever. Jesus died on the cross for you and that is ENOUGH. Don't question it. Don't over think it. Just believe it.

God is NOT religion. You do not have to believe in religion, to believe in God. You do not have to go to church to have a relationship with Him, to pray to Him or to live a Godly life. God does not track your attendance at church, do NOT let anyone else tell you otherwise. God is not condemning. Jesus did not come to bring judgement, He came to bare your judgement. Period. The church was built and created to harvest the word of God. Harvest. This means to gather. That's it!! To GATHER! To bring those who love God to one common place of worship. To give those people wisdom and knowledge so that they may go and share the word, so that they may harvest others and they too can enjoy the love of God.

Let me assure you that you can find a good church. You can find a religion worth believing in, but you have to invest your time in sorting through all the crap. That's what will always be in the headlines, crap. You can't go to the headlines or media for God, you will only be disappointed, you will only find judgement. Ask your friends, your family or even a coworker. Call me. Seriously, call me. I will talk to you about this for hours if you'd like, just ASK! But don't give up on God because you can't bring yourself to believe the message you've heard on the streets. I promise you, it's probably not the real message at all.

I know some of you are Buddhist, Jewish, Baha'i  or whatever else you'd like to call yourself and I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm NOT saying that you're going to Hell, don't let anyone ever tell you that you are and if they do, politely smile and understand that they are ignorant. If you believe God is love, you're right, you can call yourself whatever you want. Find something real to believe in and pursue it, but don't let the reputation of crazies ruin it for you just because they're the only ones who make headlines. What is right, what is noble and what is good, is rarely popular.

Organized religion can be a great thing, it brings the message of God to thousands.
It can change your life and teach you a wonderful way to live.
BUT and this is a big but; it is important to remember that it is not the church that saves, it is God. The church and organized religion are simply a vessel. Go on a journey and find your vessel. Investigate. Challenge your own heart, your logic and what you think you know. I promise you'll find something, maybe you'll find yourself, or a friend who needs you and your message as much as you need them.

Whatever you find, wherever you go, just remember this one thing, it's LOVE.

Love is my religion; Jesus is my God, who is yours?



God is Love and Love is real,
Kelci

Day Three - Keep It Light

03. Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Besides the obvious, "drugs are bad", I struggle to find what to say on this topic.

The selfish hand of alcoholism has managed to reach down and wrap it's cold fingers around my heart strings more than once, even at such a young age. To protect the anonymity of those individuals I won't elaborate, but I will say that I am grateful for all the lessons their drastic behavior has had on my life. I am grateful that this is one of those rare times I can learn something without having to do it myself. I can look at them, who they used to be, where they are now and what has come of them, only to say, "Wow, how sad, I will NEVER let that be my life."

MOST of the time moderation is key. Don't ask me to elaborate on this either.
I take pride in the fact that I know little to nothing about drugs or what it feels like to be on them. Hell, I hate taking Tylenol and for those of you who have seen me on Tylenol you know why. For those of you who haven't, just ask my aunt Wendy who lost me half way through the supermarket as I fell asleep on the cart with my sunglasses on and then proceeded to sleep in the car through another visit to a completely separate grocery only after having 2. To say I'm sensitive is putting it lightly.

Truthfully I never even so much as drank in high school until the second semester of senior year and then I went a little nuts. Everyone has a wild time and mine lasted from about Spring Break until December of my freshman year of college. After about 8 months, I was over it, but if you've been a reader for long then you know that Tequila and I will always have a love/love relationship! With Jose there is simply no room for hate, not even the morning after when my head is pounding. (I will say that there is plenty of hate for rum, ick!) This is where moderation is important, where I believe it's more than okay to have drinks, as long as you're NOT driving and you're safe about it.

Recently, I turned 21 in Las Vegas and while most everything that happened there is unspeakable, this photo was leaked after the paparazzi caught wind of my mom and I wandering the Strip:

That's me with my first Fat Tuesday's (aka a giant slurpee with alcohol).

And yes I'm doubling-fisting it.

It's okay to indulge every now and then, just don't lose your head, your panties or yourself.

Cheers,

Kelci

Day Two - Flirty Thirty (one)

02. Where you'd like to be in 10 years.

Well, this question doesn't challenge me to contradict everything I just wrote about yesterday... *sigh*



IN TEN YEARS I WILL BE THIRTY ONE!!!!

I know exactly what you're thinking, thirty-one is so..... my parents.
I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It doesn't even seem possible that I will some day be that much of an adult, that in the next decade I will be a real "grown up". What a terrifying thought!! By then people will actually believe me when they hear I'm not 16 and of course this will be the exact moment when I actually begin to appreciate the comment.

Truthfully, I don't know exactly where I'd like to be in 10 years or in what order the things I'd like to have will come to me, but the following are just a few things I would hope to have 10 years from now;

1. My Bachelor's degree in English.
2. Time as a missionary or in the Peace Corps.
3. A family with my soul-mate (who I plan to meet sometime between now and then) would be wonderful.
4. Christmas magic.
5. The award for the coolest Auntie on the planet.
6. Lots and lots of laughter.



If I'm anything like my parents, I'll be more than alright,
Kelci

Day One - Great Expectations

01. Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

I don't have a current relationship. Especially if you don't consider my love affair with Ron or my other quirky passions that consume my day and my night. (And sadly most sane people, don't) Surprised? Don't be. I hate that look of shock when people hear I'm single, "Awh, really? But you're so great..." Yes, I am great and I don't need a boyfriend to be great; so keep the pity your about to throw me in your pocket and stop feeding the women of the world this idea that without a man you're less than you are when you're with one.

Sure, there are moments when being single sucks and yes, that's putting it graciously, but I've come to fully appreciate this time that I have been given to myself.

The truth is being alone is never easy and no one has told us that it would be, but somewhere throughout human history we came to have this ridiculous notion that if we wrap our perfect world in a perfect bubble lock it up in a secret safe and throw away the key, nothing in this life will come to harm us. IF only. 

We call this notion, expectation. *shudders*

Expectations (and math) are the root of all evil.
Look up antonyms for expectations, if you ever find one, let me know. In all of the English language there is no one word for not having expectations. Maybe this is because we as humans are too selfish and think to ourselves entirely too often, "I know best!" or "I know exactly the way this should be!!"

In being single this has been my greatest lesson. If there was an antonym for expectation it would be a verb, something we must actively choose to do everyday, it would be remaining in a state somewhere between "content" and "ignorant". Maybe in this instance, just this once, ignorance is okay. What a mess the world would be if we always got OUR way; if everything we had come to expect, became.

So without expectation, I move forward and some days are harder and much lonelier than others, but I serve a mighty God and His plans for me, my life and "my love" are far bigger than even the greatest expectations I can fathom. I don't have to know the story to write it, I just put pen to paper and trust that the words will come. 

They say you find love when you least expect it,
K&M

A New Challenge

Maybe I needed some inspiration. Maybe sometimes it's nice to spend time writing for yourself. Maybe I worry about the critiques and thoughts of others. Maybe it's hard to be honest, because that means it's real. Maybe words are powerful enough to make you feel things you're not yet ready to face. Maybe it's time. Maybe it's not. Maybe I lost you. Maybe I shouldn't worry. Maybe I'm lost.

Let's try again. Real talk.

K&M

A Trip Down Memory Lane

When I transferred all my files from my old computer to my new one I just had to laugh.
Looking back on my "California Life" and the two years I spent away from home there were LOTS of good times. Unfortunately, not all are uhm, Murphy approved, so I'll stick with a few of my favorites.
If you've been a reader from the beginning, you'll probably see some familiar items. If not, you can always go back in my archives and catch yourself up. Enjoy.

After painting my room...

Murphy sitting at our desk.

Lola getting acclimated to my presence.

My FIRST bite of an In&Out Burger

My very FIRST day at The BUNDT :)

Lola, clearly acclimated.

Shawn's first bite of a Bundt!

I kept a close eye just in case...

My FIRST day with my brand new MINI, Phoebe!

My FIRST day of college. 

The FIRST time I ever filled up Wendy's tank.

My FIRST California sleepover & MY FIRST SHOT EVER OF TEQUILA!!

The Styrofoam....

The Styrofoam in it's rightful place!

Crying whilst cutting onions...

Problem Solved.

The beginning of my 19th birthday celebration,

a skype session with the fam damily...

My FIRST birthday bundt cake!

Seriously, review these three photos again, EPIC photography here...

A birthday popper play-by-play!

My brother's after I returned home on Christmas morning....

Only the Eppel's...

Bugging Lola in her bed for once.

Lola... again.

The MOST EPIC beer pong shot of my life! Caught on camera!!

The FIRST time I ever made vegetarian lasagna.

The FIRST (and only) time I drove Alan's car.

My FIRST time at the ocean in Santa Barbara.

The amazing Bundt Babes, that I miss so much!!

Cheering in a half...

Falling out of said half....

Cheering on the ground.

The Cheer Team 09-10 picture

The Halloween game with my daddy.

The FIRST game I ever cheered at!

When I got awarded the Spirit Bear.

Screaming with my big mouth. :o

My FIRST full liberty pyramid.

And of course, my Maison baby.

What a WONDERFUL two years!!!! 

Full of everything, from the funny to the glamorous, to the tragic.

Life is such a gift. 

Laugh on,

Kelci and Murphy

Love In The Fast Lane

I have such exciting news,



THERE'S A NEW MAN IN MY LIFE!!!!!!

His name is RON!

He came into my life suddenly and well to be honest, I wasn't even looking.

My dad and my brother are the ones who spotted him for me.
After they showed me pictures and told me a little more about him I was pretty sold.

The only catch was I had to give up the man I already had for him and that meant driving to Wyoming to meet Ron.

When we pulled in, it was love at first site. I swear he's perfect. Clean-cut or "sharp" as my brother had labeled him and in great physical condition.

We went for a drive and the connection was instant, Blaine didn't even need to sell me on Ron. I was in love!

Sooo are you dying to see my man??

MEET RON! :) Ron Burgundy. 

Ron and I's first picture together... awhh.

Me, Blaine and Ron 

What? 

You didn't actually think I would let my dad and brother set me up with a guy did you?? 

Ohhh no, of course I was talking about my brand new car! :) 

I mean every car needs a name, right?

Ron was mutually and instantly agreed upon by Blaine and I as we turned to high five each other. For those of you who don't get it, don't worry it's funny. And may I recommended to you the movie Anchorman. If that's not your thing just find a 17 year old boy and ask them.

But seriously, this is Ron. He's a Honda Civic and a totally great ride! 

The BEST part?! 

I own it! 

Yep, my very FIRST CAR!!!

I got it financed ALLLL by myself thanks to my grandpa who left me his truck which I was able to trade in, my credit great score and my cool older brother! 

And dang am I proud! My heart bleeds burgundy

Stay Classy my friends,

Kelci