I've had a truly awful time sleeping for quite awhile now and it's been really hard. Plagued with strange restless dreams night after night, losing sleep and then finding myself without energy for days at a time, I feel like I'll never function again. Last night was no different, I woke up sweating and panicked at 3:02 am, frustration kicked in and tears of exhaustion with a tinge of desperation began to fall. I said aloud, "When is this going to get better?!" I sat in my bed folded up and seriously jarred, trying to repaint my dream like my mom had told me to do when I was younger; she would say to me, go through and replace the bad things with happy things. Tired of this routine, I turned over and kicked off all my covers too hot to really need them, but silently thinking that the sheets might offer me some kind of protection I pulled them back up to my chin. I realized that so often in my life I live with this standard of absolute perfection, anything less just isn't enough. I didn't send out an email with an encouraging message to loved ones for the fear that it wouldn't make any real difference if I couldn't find just the right words. I wake up night after night terrified, thinking that if only my dreams were as I repainted them to be I would sleep. Then I almost laughed at myself, I'm a 21 year old laying in bed terrified who has rationalized an inch of fabric as protection. From what? Is a murderer going to walk and think to himself, "Shoot! She's under the covers, maybe next time!" Is the terror I've created in my own head going to be smothered under the layers of cotton? Seriously?!
Sometimes as humans, we do and think ridiculous things, we come to believe certain notions and have standards that we deem totally reasonable. And isn't that the err of humans? Believing we KNOW how it should be, how it is and thinking if only it was this way, then everything would be okay. How incredibly arrogant. Is this not just what I wrote about last week? The state of my faith and position of my heart? Didn't I just challenge everyone to believe that God is who He says He is and we must come before Him humble, with hands open? Someone once told me a story about desperation, it goes something like this: There were two brothers stranded in a desert, both brothers were about to die of dehydration and thirst, they prayed and begged God for rain. When the rain came, one brother grasped for it desperately trying to grab what he could, but got no water; the other brother sat paitently with palms open and allowed the water to pool in his hands. Only one lived.
Sometimes we are so desperate. We think to ourselves if only, if only, if only. We assume we know better and so often we except only "perfection" (at least I do in my own life.) I'm quick to forget that it's not a pile of blankets that will protect me, but a mighty God whom I serve. A God who doesn't expect perfection, who understands and accepts just how "human" I really am. A God who will not only comfort me in my fear, but protect me from evil. So all these thoughts are racing through my head at what's now 4 am and that's when I silently asked myself a better question, "When are you going to believe that this can get better?"
To have faith means we believe. When we're desperate. When we're unsure. When we're vulnerable and cranky and really fricken tired. We don't spend hours repainting it our way and instead we ask God to repaint it for us. We surrender. We give Him our doubts and uncertainty and we stop acting like desperate thirsty people in a desert, because there's nothing to be desperate for. He is here, He is with us and all we have to do is open our hands and our heart. The greatest mistake we can make in our relationship with God, is limiting His greatness or forgetting that the only perfect thing in this life is the cross and the Man who died on it to save us from ourselves. So here's another reminder of sorts, an email that may not be as encouraging or perfect as I hoped all of them to be, but something worth sharing anyway.
Have faith. Trust that any good that you do, is still good, don't waste time measuring its impact or worthiness. Nothing is perfect, don't worry about making it so. Give God the chance to repaint the things in your life that are out of sorts, the things you are so desperate to fix or change. Keep your hands and your heart open and remember God is here, He is with you and yes, He will protect you, whether you're buried underneath your covers or not.
Throughout the week reflect on these passages:
Galatians 3:2-5 (Letting God be God, believing with faith)
2-4 Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by giving up everything and working relentlessly to please God? Or was it by responding to God's message to you? Are you going to continue in this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you weren't smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it? Did you go through this whole painful learning process for nothing? It is not yet in vain, but you must understand that it certainly will be if this attitude continues.
5-6 Answer this question: Does the God who lavishly provides you with His own presence, His Holy Spirit, working things in your lives you could never do for yourselves, does He do these things because of your strenuous moral striving OR because you trust Him to do them in you? Don't these things happen among you just as they happened with Abraham? He believed God, and that act of belief was turned into a life that was right with God.
Philippians 4:4-9 (Taking your worry and anxiety and instead rejoicing in the Lord and His promises.)
6-7 Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.
8-9 Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not to curse. Put into practice what you learned, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into His most beautiful and gracious harmonies.
Psalm 121 (God's promise for protection in your life)
3-4 He won't let you stumble, your God won't fall asleep, not on your life! Israel's Guardian will never doze or sleep!
5-6 God's your Guardian, right at your side to protect you- shielding you from sunstroke, sheltering you from shadows of the moon.
7-8 God guards you, from every evil, He guards your very life. He guards you when you leave and when you return, He guards you now, He guards you always.
Blessings and love to all,
Kelci
